August 2013

From the age of ten until I turned 18, I danced ballet in my hometown’s ballet school. At first, I was put in a group where I was slightly better than most of the others. I learned the moves quicker and performed them a little bit better, and when it was time for the yearly performance in the town’s only theatre, I got a bit annoyed when the others made mistakes.
The next autumn, I had moved up a notch to a better group. I enjoyed it and felt that this was where I belonged. But after a while I wasn’t so sure. Because now I was the one who didn’t get it. I was the one who made mistakes. I was the one who looked over my shoulder to see how on earth you performed that inverted padeboré. The next year, I was put back in my original group, where I again grew bored and impatient with the others. And so it continued. I was toggling back and forth between the groups like a shuttlecock, too good for the bad group but too bad for the better, year after year.
And – I couldn’t really decide which one I preferred. It was nice to be among the best, but what was it really worth, in a group that wasn’t very good? It felt great to qualify for the better group, but what was that really worth, when I always felt clumsy, stupid and lost?
I sometimes think of this experience when I compare living in Stockholm with living in the world’s metropolises. Moving to Stockholm as a 19-year-old, it was relatively easy to become part of the media bubble, get the right connections and walk past the line to the hippest clubs. Maybe too easy, as I felt the urge to move to London, where I was absolutely nothing. So when I did get access to a cool party or a hip new venue in London, it was a big deal, a feeling of almost belonging to something deeply sexy. However, I quite often longed for Stockholm, where it was a lot easier for me to live life to the full. Still, after a year or so back in Stockholm, I felt ready for a new challenge. The pattern kept reoccurring after relocations to Los Angeles and New York. And I still couldn’t decide what was better – being a big fish in a small pond, or being a small fish in a big one?
Well, if I’m any wiser now, the answer is both. I like the interplay between living in Stockholm and living in the world’s cultural capitals. I like having Stockholm as my base and my safe haven, where I can be creative thanks to the calm pace of every-day life there. But I also like to get away to the bigger cities, to get inspiration and meet new people – and not least to improve my Swedish network, as the best Swedes are always to be found abroad.
It’s good to be the big fish sometimes, as it gives you confidence and a well-needed break from the constant hustling; a little reward for all your hard work. But it’s also good to be the small fish, as it tends to humble you, and it makes you stay hungry and ready for challenges. I moved back to Stockholm this June after 18 months in New York and I’m still soaking up every minute of homecoming bliss. Nodding greetings to vague acquaintances on the street, over-dosing on the scenic views, enjoying the cinnamon roll-infused scent in the subway entrances and getting invitations to parties I can actually attend. But even if I know I will feel the need to get away again, for variety and for inspiration, it’s actually not at all like being in the wrong ballet group. Because I know that this is where I truly belong.

Words by Karin Ström